When I tell myself this is the end of it, I'm promising you with all my heart and all I have.
And really, this is the end of the everything. No more, no turning back.

I'm going to bed with this promise, so won't forget come daylight.

Have been MIA for the longest time ever i know. partly cause i have been blogging somewhere else instead.

Life's been treating me well. G is finishing his exams tmr and it really calls for a celebration! it's been a busy 6 weeks ever since we stepped into the holidays. And tmr'll be a double joy for us!

Think its time to let some truth out. Truth is, I'm not intending to care about what strangers/accquaintances/closed-friends-turned-accquaintances think of me anymore. that's because i lead my own life and as long as i'm happy with what i do, who i'm with and where i go, i see no point in caring about your judgements. and i also realised there's nothing holding me back in the past anymore. i am truly happy because somethings have totally lost their significance and when i look at them again, there're no longer any memories attached to them.

Not much needed to elaborate on this issue anymore. I believe as much as a person goes around hiding the truth, at the end of the day, this piece of truth and conscience will bite him on his back. And what mattered was you know and i know. I guess there's not much need to explain to third parties but then again, nothing about this is my concern anymore. i'll thinking of abandoning this blog because i'm leading a new life and i need these memories no more.

And for all these, I gotta thank some people. People who lent me a helping hand in their own ways and most importantly, K. Thank you for always trying to guide an occasionally lost soul like me. Thanks for being everything he wasn't.

I'm giving thanks.

j

'cause i got time while he got freedom,

cause when the heart breaks, no it don't break even.

not very intelligent of me to come online and read about how people are basking in their holidays while misery will only end in 4 days time:(

SIGH. 4th May, you have been clearly marked out on my calender for quite some time.

Lab manuals and reports are driving me nuts!
I can't even recall what I just read:(

Argh.

Cant wait for thursday to be over, seriously.

BM presentation is finally over! glad everything went well! guess they call this the after-presentation high:)

love nana, buf and mun!

Been in a pensive mood lately but I just can't find any appropriate time to do it. The many things I witnessed at both home and school and the many things I heard about others have resulted in many many accumulated thoughts about many issues. I could actually tell someone about it but I'm afraid it'll just make me seem so petty and inappropriate.

Lil fell sick the past few days and I'm worried. Then it struck me hard age has caught up with her and even though she's still fine and bubbly now, I should start prepping myself to face the day she has to leave me for good. I was at the bus stop waiting for my bus to go home last evening and was fine until I saw this couple standing by the bus stop with the girl hugging on to the guy and crying. Sad to say, bad memories came haunting me back again and it really doesn't help when songs-not-meant-to-be-heard-ever-again are playing on the playlist. It really makes me wonder how random a randomised playlist can get. Then I texted you and told you how I'm still so afraid of the feeling when people/things i love leave me.

Been having too many weird dreams, sometimes I really can't differentiate what's real and what's not. I can't say I'm not loved but sometimes I really wonder whether you truly know what I'm facing/going through in my life. And that when there's an extra gain, I'm the last one you would think of or even not at all. I don't know what it is that differentiates me from the rest. My great independence? The superficial appearance that I'm coping really well? You have no right to judge really because you have no idea how I'm struggling just to live like a normal being. This 4 years has really been tiring and I never ever complained to you before, have I? I wish I can have you out of my life so I don't need to know that you are acting like you care. So that I dont have to face so much difficulties broaching up some issues with the others which made me seem all so petty and hostile. But I know its all impossible, because ties like these are un-breakable or thats what they claim. Sometimes I tell myself I should be honoured that you treat me the way you do but on tough and harsh days I just feel so deserted. I don't know if I'm asking for the impossible, but I just want to be treated equally and not be somebody who did you proud despite the minimal effort you took to get me to where I'm today.

Things just seem like a great disappointment lately.

BM presentation and report due this tuesday. AAS and CV reports due these coming 2 weeks as well. TM test 2 next week. And many many nitty stuff to clear too:(

'I wasn't even sure if I loved you yet. But at that moment, I knew you were different. You weren't like the other guys. You didn't rush me or make me feel bad for pushing you away. You were patient.

Patiently waited for me until I was ready. Ready in every way to have you in my life.'

Now that I finally have some free time on hand, I have been thinking about certain issues in my life during long journeys. And in fact there's so much I want to talk about but yet I have no idea how and where to start from. Whatever it is, I'm glad I managed to share some of the joys and sorrows in my life with the close ones and it really feels good knowing they are there for you no matter what. That they dont judge and are more than happy to just sit down and listen to my grumblings. Really appreciate the friendships with this group of guys. Its really sweet thinking about the fact that we really watched each other grow up.

And yeah, guess its really pointless getting affected over some issues on certain dates from now on. Afterall, they are just dates which are not even worth reminiscing anymore. I have straightened out my thoughts and I know that I should be focusing on the present and future instead. I was reading through my past entries and I remembered saying something about there's a brand new life awaiting me out there. And so... I have officially taken on the challenge to make this brand new life right this time round.

With that, its now back to report rushing/bm proj essay and whatever shit work that has piled up over the weeks:(

This anniversary will never be the same.

because the end of something bad is the start of something good :)

Can't wait for friday to be here now!

It's moments like these, I feel I want nothing from nobody at all.
I wish I have a hideout.
I wish I have someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay.

do you ever think about me? do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
everytime the phone rings, do you wish it'd be me calling you?

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away

I think of you and everything's okay

And Change is the only constant.

Some people built up walls around not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Now I clearly know who bothers and who doesn't. Time to cherish those who are real and true to you.

Thanks for just being there:)

just when you thought things're going well, reality smacks you in the face and show you they're not.

hate it when people so close to you are so f-ing insensitive. and the worst thing is that you dont even know you're losing it all.....

really dont need anyone to judge me.

ARGH. dont even feel like seeing you anytime soon.

LYDD :D

School's been fine thus far and there hasn't been anything special going on as well except that I'm really tempted to try staying in hall next sem.

I miss spending quality time with the family too.

Love you lil.

I wish one day I can safely say we fit together.

Brand new year ahead again! Hope 2010 brings more joy and happiness:) 2009's been a ride but the comforting thing is that I have truly learnt a lot about life.

CH trip's coming soon! Can't wait!

What if I want out now?

I'm sorry for being such a cold woodblock the entire night.
Like I always believe, you really should deserve someone better and that's honestly not a difficult task at all.

Hate what I'm feeling now. Grrrrrrrrr.

Been thinking about back to blogging religiously again cause I have been reading many blogs and thought it would be nice to actually have something which can recount what happened when I was younger. But it seems like I have passed the phase when I would blog about my daily life and whatever haps along with it. Oh well, we shall see.

And results were out today. It was above my expectations; maybe cause I set a really low target this time round. And.... weird thing was my parents thought I was upset with my results and came in one by one to comfort me, telling me it's already very good and that I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself and blahhhhhhhh. Its really quite queer since they never did anything close to this before and I had to tell them I'm not upset actually. Funny.

This holiday. Its been a rollercoaster really. I haven't been a good daughter, I haven't been a good friend to some. I have been focusing a whole lot on some issues, past and current. Some issues are screwing my mind up and I'm in desperate need to reprioritise my focus in life. Somethings I realise I haven't quite exactly get over as much as I think I had. Some people whom I grew to treasure and love more while watching some drift away. People come, people go. Everyday has been whizzing past and these few days have been good with the special people in my life:) We have spent last night and today together and it was a revival of our post A's days and it felt really good. Fat sluts anthems sang in unison and good food shared along with major bitching/catching up sessions. Love this group of people and food and mj wouldn't be the same with anyone else:)

The usuals. Another group of people whom I'm steady with for a damn long time. Friends whom I know I can count on and they were there for me when I needed them. Not much spoken but we know how much everyone of us appreciate each another despite laughing and getting pissed off by one another at times.

BUF. Nothing much needed to be said cause she's always there for me when I needed someone to talk to, be it serious or nonsense. School would probably be really shitty without her company and thanks for making things so much better buf! you know I'm always here for you too and I love you much:) Thanks for understanding me so well and know how I feel even when I don't breathe a word sometimes.

JJ. Another friendship of 8 years which I really treasure. Thanks for being someone so steady I know I really can count on no matter what. Really a significant someone who did so much to pull me up together when I was down and out. No words can express how thankful I'm for everything you have done for me and for us. I know our friendship will last a lifetime:)

K. I know you don't even know about the existence of this blog but despite the short amount of time we actually got to know each other, I dare say you're someone I would turn to when I'm down and when all I need is a listening ear. Thanks for never giving up on me all these while:)

DT. My fellow major big fan of Sheldon:) You're somebody I can really connect to and speak my mind without qualms and a big thankyou for being special the way you are, for the constant encouragements and advices you gave and for the jokingly establised pact you made just to cheer me up. I'll miss you when you are gone for the next few months:(

Vera. Never found anyone sharing such a similar life like I do and I'm really really awfully thankful we had each other through the bad times and hopefully the good ones too! Thanks for making me see things I fail to see and I'll always be there for you when you need someone okay! Love you much:)

And many more people whom I like to mention but I haven't meet up with them! So till then, I will do another update again before the year ends:)