And why do I still care?
After so many times I told myself I'm the only one who can make myself feel better.

"It's not worth anything anymore"
I know, I clearly know that.

I wish there is just someone out there I can pour out my thoughts to, everything without any qualms at all.
I really shouldn't be so hard on myself anymore.

Sometimes all I want is to be a missing person for a day.

Today's my last day of attachment at NCHS and it was an awesome experience.

I'm missing it so freaking much now. I'll miss waking up at ungodly hours, miss the students, teachers/mentors and my dear colleagues.
And the cheap and good canteen food.

Oh oh oh and the ogling times at a cute physics teacher hahahaha. okay i think i'm sounding like a deprived school girl.

This attachment has be really fufilling and it really has further affirmed my decision to be a teacher. I want to be back there for my practicum. I wish I wish I wish.

I actually have a lot to say, but when I'm here I feel stuck. Anyway, this is going to be one kind of reflective entry. Been feeling and realising a lot lately. Perhaps its cause of the new friends I made during work. Or perhaps many things have happened and they made me realise the many ugly sides of human beings. Then I'll start being self-conscious and wonder if there's such a possibility that some of my actions/behaviour have led to the same impression people may have of me. I have been judgemental lately and its not doing me good so far.

I dont know; things change, people change. But why does it feel like I'm the only one who's stuck at the same spot while the whole world's moving ahead? Haha before anyone thinks I'm getting too emotional over the breakup again, I better clarify this. I'm not, or I should say even if I'm emotional right now, it isn't because of the breakup. Just feeling a little laid back or like what des said, I'm getting a little too lagged.

Seeing some people being happy with their lives now, I tend to start asking myself "What do I really want in my life right now?" Then I will start putting myself in their shoes and try to imagine if I will be as happy as them and more often than not, I cant help but feel a little afraid for them. Maybe it’s because of what I have been through, the definition of Happiness seems fleeting to me now. It’s like a ‘One moment you have it, and by the next, it’s gone’. But the funny thing is, ironically, I have learnt to count the slightest blessings and little kind gestures from people have been able to make my day. Anyhow, just hope everyone will get their truly deserved happiness.

Work’s been fun though tiring and working with different people made me learnt some lifelong skills as well. Sometimes when I think I have become too overbearing when doing our project, I would stop and reflect on what I have just said. And it gets quite tiring trying to figure out if I have offended anyone in the process and thus far, I don’t really think so. Haha or so I hope. I met JJ yesterday and during our great chat on our way home, I told her about my new-found admiration for people (men to be exact hahaha) who actually have goals in life. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no potential someone I met from work, it’s just a generic realization that I have concluded.

There are still some heart-tugging issues I have in my mind but guess I will just leave it till the next time. Oh and before I end, Des and I sat through the science department meeting today and only then I realized teachers are also human beings, and that behind closed doors, no one is there to judge their behaviour or actions. And most importantly, humans have feelings and I really can’t blame myself for thinking and feeling so much. I’m fine, I’m good, I’m at ease but realising that I'm in fact quite a deep thinker scares me sometimes. Perhaps it’s cause I used to have someone to share these thoughts with, and now that he’s gone, I tend to bottle things up. But if I view it optimistically, it’s actually good in a way I get to learn how to deal with such emotions and honestly, it almost feels like I’m 10 years older just this holiday. My life has transformed, my thinking has matured by quite a bit and most importantly, I’m given a chance to step back and see what Life has to offer for me. Last 4 years of my life have been quite a blur and now, I’m glad I managed to see the bigger picture and I know I’m indeed better off this way. You know what, it’s a brand new life awaiting for me out there and I am challenged to make it right this time.

I'm back again!

Been meaning to blog for the longest time ever but my laziness just got into me and yup.... Anyway I dont think I have mentioned about the extraordinary fun trip to Bintan a while back. will post pictures soooon though most are already up on FB. Great company, great fun and it all translated to incredibly great memories!

Work at NCHS has officially started and I dont know why I was dreading it so much the day before I started because now I secretly like going for work! Hahaha other than the MOE scholars, we have the company of the NTU students who are there for industrial attachment as well. And like what Dion said, I think we should already count ourselves really lucky to have collegues who are fun loving and the school's just a stone's throw away from our homes. So when I think its about to rain, we would dash home just so to avoid the rain.

And.... I just wanted to thank all those who stood by me through the past 2 months. I have certainly learnt a lot about friendships, relationships, family and who I really am. This may sound really silly but I'm thankful for this spate of events in a way or so, for letting me realise what are important and whats not, for letting me realise the true friends whom I have neglected, and most importantly to really understand what I really want in my life. So, thank God for these people (both family and friends. if I ever talked to you about it, then you are one of them!), for being there when I needed someone and for making me whole again.

Words just cant describe my heartfelt appreciation and I'm sincerely thankful for every single one of them.

xoxo

I miss Bintan. A whole lot.
And whatever emotions I experienced along with that.

Time to snap out of this whirlpool of emotions. It's getting annoying.

Let's wake up to a better tomorrow.
I know you'll be somewhere out there :)

If it's a broken part, replace it.
If it's a broken arm then brace it.
If it's a broken heart then face it.