I actually have a lot to say, but when I'm here I feel stuck. Anyway, this is going to be one kind of reflective entry. Been feeling and realising a lot lately. Perhaps its cause of the new friends I made during work. Or perhaps many things have happened and they made me realise the many ugly sides of human beings. Then I'll start being self-conscious and wonder if there's such a possibility that some of my actions/behaviour have led to the same impression people may have of me. I have been judgemental lately and its not doing me good so far.

I dont know; things change, people change. But why does it feel like I'm the only one who's stuck at the same spot while the whole world's moving ahead? Haha before anyone thinks I'm getting too emotional over the breakup again, I better clarify this. I'm not, or I should say even if I'm emotional right now, it isn't because of the breakup. Just feeling a little laid back or like what des said, I'm getting a little too lagged.

Seeing some people being happy with their lives now, I tend to start asking myself "What do I really want in my life right now?" Then I will start putting myself in their shoes and try to imagine if I will be as happy as them and more often than not, I cant help but feel a little afraid for them. Maybe it’s because of what I have been through, the definition of Happiness seems fleeting to me now. It’s like a ‘One moment you have it, and by the next, it’s gone’. But the funny thing is, ironically, I have learnt to count the slightest blessings and little kind gestures from people have been able to make my day. Anyhow, just hope everyone will get their truly deserved happiness.

Work’s been fun though tiring and working with different people made me learnt some lifelong skills as well. Sometimes when I think I have become too overbearing when doing our project, I would stop and reflect on what I have just said. And it gets quite tiring trying to figure out if I have offended anyone in the process and thus far, I don’t really think so. Haha or so I hope. I met JJ yesterday and during our great chat on our way home, I told her about my new-found admiration for people (men to be exact hahaha) who actually have goals in life. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no potential someone I met from work, it’s just a generic realization that I have concluded.

There are still some heart-tugging issues I have in my mind but guess I will just leave it till the next time. Oh and before I end, Des and I sat through the science department meeting today and only then I realized teachers are also human beings, and that behind closed doors, no one is there to judge their behaviour or actions. And most importantly, humans have feelings and I really can’t blame myself for thinking and feeling so much. I’m fine, I’m good, I’m at ease but realising that I'm in fact quite a deep thinker scares me sometimes. Perhaps it’s cause I used to have someone to share these thoughts with, and now that he’s gone, I tend to bottle things up. But if I view it optimistically, it’s actually good in a way I get to learn how to deal with such emotions and honestly, it almost feels like I’m 10 years older just this holiday. My life has transformed, my thinking has matured by quite a bit and most importantly, I’m given a chance to step back and see what Life has to offer for me. Last 4 years of my life have been quite a blur and now, I’m glad I managed to see the bigger picture and I know I’m indeed better off this way. You know what, it’s a brand new life awaiting for me out there and I am challenged to make it right this time.